someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
