Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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