I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
