If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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