Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
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I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
as a side note pls kill me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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