She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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