how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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