someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
