How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
