We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
