I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
