I will die if light touches me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
