some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
