Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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