While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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