Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
