It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
