Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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