if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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