i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
