I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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