Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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