I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
