I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
