Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
