I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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