I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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