yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
