yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
