So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
