i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
