why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
