she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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