I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
