Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
