tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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