I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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