Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
