just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
