You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
