Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
