The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
