I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
