I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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