Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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