I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
