Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
