Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
