I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
