Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
