I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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