The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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