i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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