I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
