i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
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Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Pants are for mortals
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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